We've come to a point in history where a marriage has a better chance
of ending in a courtroom than a cemetery. Relationships come and go
faster than they ever have. The time when a date was the gateway to a
lifelong relationship, and generally pre-arranged by family, friends, or
simply location, has evolved into the time when a date goes into
something that only lasts until one or both parties get what they want,
whether physical, financial, or sociological. I am not innocent to this
either. It's societal. People are expected to behave a certain way,
but why?? Let's explore this...
Our modern society is awash in
breakups and divorces, and one of the most common reasons people give
when they are asked about their breakups is "He/She was just using me."
Both genders use this reason, and both genders have a reason to use
it. Men and women are both crafty in getting what they want out of a
relationship, but what is it that they want?? To start with, let's look
at society. Our society has opened the doors for women over the last
40 years. Looking back at TV and movies from the 50's, 60's, and even
the 70's, what do we always see?? A patriarchal society where the man
goes to work and the wife stays as the home maker. From what I've heard
of accounts of this time period, this isn't far off, either. Women of
this time got married essentially to survive. Love came much easier and
with less pickiness as it does today, and a divorce meant being used up
goods, a spinster reputation, and little to no options for life. Job
categories were limited to just a few options. A societal shift among
teens in the 70's led women to have tons more freedom and life options
other than getting married through the 80's on to today. This led to
older marriages, and women becoming more independent, not needing a man
in her life to go to work every day to survive, and led to a the great
equality that we enjoy today.
Now most of us already know all
this, but how does this relate to manipulation?? As women grew to
equality, and needed men less and less, their options became broader.
If the man that asked her out did not suit her needs or changed in a way
that no longer pleases her, she can get up and move on to the next
option. This phenomenon completely changed the dynamic of dating for
both genders, and led to the enormous amounts of breakups and divorces
previously mentioned. And also led to a wide variety of games, tricks,
and evil moves to get both dates and get out of relationships. Both
sides are guilty, but there are massively different reasons, mostly
engraved deep in our human psychology
Now, I don't have a psych
degree. I'm a mechanic, and a lawn care/snow removal specialist.
Everything in all of my blog entries is strictly observation, and has no
medical background to it. That being said, let's delve into the things
I've observed about human courtship. Now, men and women both have
needs from the other, but both are very different. In courtship, men
are generally driven by a desire for sex, while women are generally
driven by a need to feel attractive. What makes this work is how each
gender, by seeking their needs, offers the opposite need in turn. An
interesting side note to this is that I have observed that our courtship
needs are more about what's offered than what's needed. While all
relationships are about give and take and caring, I've noticed that gay
relationship tend to be less sexually charged, and gay men tend to be
more conscious of their appearances and attractiveness, and lesbian
relationship, whether real, or a show to attract men at a college party,
tend to be a little more sexually charged. This small observation
opened the door for one of the biggest observations I've noted about
human courtship. To put it harshly, when it comes to sex, men have to
impress the women, flowers, drinks, dinners, smooth talk, and women
simply have to be available. Harsh as it is, it illustrates the first
observation I made. A woman who puts herself out there can feel
attractive when held in passion, and not in planning. She got a
complete stranger to fall enough in love with her to want her, and a guy
got laid. The opposite side of this is the classic adage that I've
seen on women's t-shirts, keychains, and bumper stickers. "Men are like
wood floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over
them for life". Women know they can use sex, being a driving force to
men, to entice companionship, and to keep their partner around.
Now,
this shows the driving force that holds relationships together, but
where does manipulation come into play on this. Simply put, it's when
dating turns from a sociological ideal to a game. Manipulation mostly
comes in two phases of a relationship. The first is during attraction.
Women and men go to outrageous lengths to attract the opposite sex.
Perfumes, colognes, alcohol, clothes, a myriad of other tools and games,
all leading to one specific purpose. For the unclaimed (and
occasionally the claimed) to attract the attention of a mate, if only
for a night. Women dress as scantily as possible, sometimes wearing
clothes out that are practically lingerie, to project themselves as
available. They will also dance wildly and act drunker than they may
actually be, projecting themselves as more approachable. Some women
will even go as far as to make out with a female friend in public place
to charge the sexual urges of the men around. Men on the other hand,
will dress in high end clothes, wear expensive clothes and accessories,
and wear hairstyles that are excessively done up to project richness and
the ability to take care of a woman long term, whether true or not. In
conversation men in the attraction state also pretend to listen and buy
meals and drinks, giving the image of a caring man who is attracted to
the woman mind and body, and project the stereotype of the breadwinner.
While this is a tired old stereotype that is becoming less and less
true, as I mentioned before, it's still deeply etched in the societal
collective mind of humans, and still seemingly important in attracting a
mate. These series of acts and stories may not accurately reflect the
people who are projecting them, but the werewolf effect attracts mates
every day, and many one night stands lead into relationships, some that
last for years before the boredom sets in and the second form of
manipulation starts to set in.
The second form of manipulation is
the dangerous part, when the relationship starts. When people
manipulate to get into a relationship, it's generally purpose driven,
and that comes back to the argument of illiciting attraction or sex, and
both genders play dangerous games to get their goals, and continue to
hold on to them. Men tend to play yo-yo with attraction. What I mean
by this is that a man will give attracted attention to a woman
initially, then retract the attention for an indefinite amount of time,
even sometimes going as far as mild insult, and in severe cases, the
retraction goes as far as abuse. Whatever the degree, the reason is
always the same, so that a small display of affection will seem like an
earth shattering romantic gesture, and entice them into a sexual mood.
Then afterwards will go back to a state of retracted attraction. Women
on the other hand, seeking the feeling of attraction, will tend to lead
or force their men to prove their attraction in various manners. This
varies far in degree. Some women will stand in a mirror and judge
themselves vocally in front of their men, waiting for them to disagree
and express the attraction. In other cases they will attempt to push
the relationship in a further direction. This phenomenon is discussed
as the marriage fix in a previous article. Most women will try to
initiate sex as a measure of attraction. Finally, a few more self
conscious women have been known to move to deadly measures, convincing a
man that she can't be with him in hopes that he will harm or kill
himself as a grand gesture to show how attracted he is.
Now, there
is no real solution to this dangerous game. Awareness is essentially
key. Seeing the unhealthy signs and backing out before a person gets
hurt or emotionally damaged is the only aid to this. And as simply as
the increasing equality of men and women is what slowly led to this war,
it can also be the treaty that ends it. If a relationship isn't
working, or is damaging, both men and women have options, and can move
on and find someone who is truly suited for them, not someone who had to
put on an act to get there.
J. Edgar Davis
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