"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof". The separation of church and state. What do these words mean, and what weight do they carry in a modern day world where religion is no longer a morally required part of American life, and how has it affected the way we make decisions in this country, as well as the way we can make them in the future.
Lets start by looking at some of the "religious" laws in our country that are indeed state run, and separate them from the federal government. The two I intend to call out were key factors in last year's Presidential election, even though, as I tried to explain to so many people, neither had anything to do with the federal government. The first one is abortion.
Abortion has been a hot button issue in every Presidential election campaign for as long as I've been alive, and to be completely honest, it's a bunch of crap. The President of the United States's stand on abortion, a state-licensed, state-funded organization, should mean less than nothing to the laws of abortion across the country. If it ever does become an issue of Presidential, or United State's Congress, then the President and the entire congress should stop and be immediately restaffed, because it would be apparent that none of them had ever seen the Constitution they swore to uphold. Because each state licenses the clinics and funds many (not all) of them, it is up to the individual legislatures and governors of each state to discuss, argue, lobby, and filibuster to find the laws that best suit the majority of people within the governing body. And by population and region, each state's laws favoring, opposing, and regulating the procedure will vastly different.
To take this one step further is the decision making that is behind the regulation and opposition. The fire that our previous presidential candidate fell under was because his religion forbade the practice of abortion, therefore the fear factor came in that he would use executive action to make a federal ban on the practice. The same fear lingers everytime a bill governing abortion is across a state legislature. Votes against the practice are very often religiously charged. My feelings on abortion notwithstanding, the banishment of the practice for religious reasons is by definition unconstitutional solely based on the statement that I opened this article with.
This leads almost straight into the other big hot button issue, marriage. Specifically, gay marriage. While this has not been an issue for as long, it does prove to be an ongoing issue in presidential elections and it has no place in them. Marriage is a state license, and it should be up to state legislatures to define what constitutes a valid marriage.....or should it??
To understand the grey areas of marriage, one must first understand what marriage is to all the people who argue it. There are two arguments to the definition, and to keep them separate while making my point, I will label them Marriage A and Marriage B. Marriage A is a religious rite defined my the God of Abraham and is descended into all 3 major forms of Abrahamic religion, even if it is a little different between the three. It also has places in every other ancient religion of the world. God commanded that marriage be between a man and a woman, as he defined between Adam and Eve. Marriage B is a legally binding contract recognized and licensed by a governing authority; in the case of our country, the state of residence; legally binding the possessions and income of two people as one in the eyes of the government. In this instance, homosexual marriage is perfectly acceptable, since it is merely a contract. Both types of marriage can't exist together, so you really have to choose one, but which one it is. That's what people are arguing. If you have Marriage A, The US and State Governments can never make any laws involving them. You also take away the social status of marriage on your taxes and for your health benefits and common law. As far as the law is concerned, you and your spouse only have the same address. You ladies would also not be able to change your last name, because the marriage wouldn't change your social security status. Divorces would be unable to happen, because the courts wouldn't be able to get involved, and property ownership fights would be very messy because there would be no Common Law. Marriage B, on the other hand, can have no religious rulings. Annulment would have no bearing because no religious laws would be applicable in a remarriage. As long as both parties consent to Marriage B, anyone can go get married. If a person still chose to marry according to his religion in a church, the ceremony would be meaningless to the government. Only the license and the contract would have legal bearing. Both types can't co-exist, so the thing that the people who argue marriage, as well as the people who make the laws need to decide is whether or not the people want to live with the laws that surround Marriage B. Differentiating the two separates the state from the church, and upholds the constitution.
In conclusion, I am reminded of a conversation I had a couple nights ago in a bar when these issues came up in conversation. The man I was talking to brought up the fact that we do have the 10 Commandments posted in the Supreme Court. Now, I don't know if this is true, as I've never been to the Supreme Court to witness this, but if it is true, in spite of my arguments about the separation of church and state, I'm not completely opposed to this list being in a government building revolving around the law of the land. With the exception of the first three commandments, "I am the LORD, thy GOD, thou shalt not have strange gods before me. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy GOD in vain. Remember the Sabbath Day by keeping it Holy", who's inclusion violate the First Amendments separation of Church and State, the list of commandments do provide a good, solid moral foundation to the country that even the atheists can agree to live by. It's simple right and wrong.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Famous girls I think are hot: Volume 3
Who doesn't love more of a good thing. More famous girls I think are just stunning. This time I actually include a character becuase I like her more than her actress
1. Genevieve Pearson- There were some very subtle things about her. About the only things about her that anyone would pick out obviously would be her curves, her red hair, and her glasses, but there was so much of a stronger attraction. I can't rightly explain it, but she's hot
2. Lacey Sturm- Formerly Mosely, she was the lead singer of Flyleaf. I didn't think she was so good looking initially, but she kind of grew on me
Maybe I should rethink my life....I just started out this list with two married women
3. Young Shannon Doherty- If you've seen the past two volumes of this, you already know why this name showed up on here. The black hair and the blue eyes....mmmmm. I can't believe her career has been reduced to education connection commercials. Speaking of those commercials, I was also quite taken with the blue eyed girl who did the jingle in the waitress uniform, but no one on the internet seems to know who she is.
4. Morgan Smith Goodwin- AKA the Wendy's girl. She just gets hotter every commercial she does. I think 3/4 of the reason I'm attracted to her is the personality she portrays...and it gets more interesting every commercial. It's a very cute personality
5. Olivia Wilde- She is gorgeous by herself, but I honestly think that her Tron: Legacy character, Quorra, looks even better...I think it might have been the black wig, but it got my attention.
6. Amy Farrah Fowler- Not so much into Blossom, but I would marry Amy Farrah Fowler. Several people have heard me say this already, most women I know returning the comment with a statement that they would marry Sheldon Lee Cooper
7. Hayley Williams- There was always something about her smile...she's absolutely adorable
8. Meaghan Martin- I just saw Mean Girls 2 the other day. That girl was just amazing. I actually have no idea who she is or if she had been in anything else. I'd assume she was because she had the lead role.
9. Jennifer Stone- I know who she was. She was also in that movie, and she was the weird friend in Wizards of Waverly Place I'm pretty sure (someone wanna confirm this??).
And I'll leave it to that. Time for Hollywood to churn out new hot girls to make up the next list.
1. Genevieve Pearson- There were some very subtle things about her. About the only things about her that anyone would pick out obviously would be her curves, her red hair, and her glasses, but there was so much of a stronger attraction. I can't rightly explain it, but she's hot
2. Lacey Sturm- Formerly Mosely, she was the lead singer of Flyleaf. I didn't think she was so good looking initially, but she kind of grew on me
Maybe I should rethink my life....I just started out this list with two married women
3. Young Shannon Doherty- If you've seen the past two volumes of this, you already know why this name showed up on here. The black hair and the blue eyes....mmmmm. I can't believe her career has been reduced to education connection commercials. Speaking of those commercials, I was also quite taken with the blue eyed girl who did the jingle in the waitress uniform, but no one on the internet seems to know who she is.
4. Morgan Smith Goodwin- AKA the Wendy's girl. She just gets hotter every commercial she does. I think 3/4 of the reason I'm attracted to her is the personality she portrays...and it gets more interesting every commercial. It's a very cute personality
5. Olivia Wilde- She is gorgeous by herself, but I honestly think that her Tron: Legacy character, Quorra, looks even better...I think it might have been the black wig, but it got my attention.
6. Amy Farrah Fowler- Not so much into Blossom, but I would marry Amy Farrah Fowler. Several people have heard me say this already, most women I know returning the comment with a statement that they would marry Sheldon Lee Cooper
7. Hayley Williams- There was always something about her smile...she's absolutely adorable
8. Meaghan Martin- I just saw Mean Girls 2 the other day. That girl was just amazing. I actually have no idea who she is or if she had been in anything else. I'd assume she was because she had the lead role.
9. Jennifer Stone- I know who she was. She was also in that movie, and she was the weird friend in Wizards of Waverly Place I'm pretty sure (someone wanna confirm this??).
And I'll leave it to that. Time for Hollywood to churn out new hot girls to make up the next list.
Liberalism Versus Conservatism on a Non Political Standpoint
There is a drastically widening gap between the Democratic and Republican political parties. Everyone knows this. As people get angrier and angrier with the other side, values are further varied. But there are words associated with each political party that supposedly describe their standpoints. These terms are Liberal and Conservative. Now, I feel that in the basis of the words, they describe each political party's values accurately. Liberals want to change the world, and loosen the grip, while conservatives want to go back to traditional values. But what does it mean when you take these terms away from politicians and apply them to real sociology?? I've given a lot of thought to this, and I feel I can apply the values of each word, and show where our society has gone in both directions over the last few decades.
A guy named Shawn that I used to work with and I started with this argument a couple years ago one day at lunch. We were arguing about the upcoming Presidential campaign. While we both seemed to agree on which party should be represented in the next President of the United States, he did say one thing that stuck with me, and is the basis for this article. His exact words were "No successful society in history has ever gone from a liberal state to a more conservative state." This is something I have never believed to be true. After all, the formation of Abrahamic religions is testament to a group of people going from living off of basic conscience to having a concrete set of rules and guidelines to live life by. The rules were even etched in stone. To further history on the matter, every time the society of the Nation of Israel started to fall away from these values that were instilled, they were taken from their homes and enslaved by another superpower of the region. Now, I'm not out to make this into a religion lesson by any means. My focus is going to be on American society over the last 70-100 years, but I do feel that this can be used as a reference point. The Renaissance can also be used as a model of a society that became more proper and conservative and succeeded for a very long time. There are also examples of failure. The Soviet Union was in a state of rigid stiffness and modesty, and they failed miserably. Nazi Germany, another example. The people of these nations, however, had no freedom to express themselves as Israel and many nations of Renaissance Europe, and that is a key factor in the success of a modest, conservative society.
Both Liberalism and Conservatism have had an ebb and flow in the recent history of the United States on the society as a whole. Individuals have always had the freedom to choose their own path, and that is a part of what makes this society work, but lets take a look at some of the ways that we've seen the ebb and the flow, and how expectations of the people have been changed over the last 100 or so years.
As I mentioned before in my article on manipulation, the dynamic of the average American family has changed since 1913. Back then a 10th grade education was a very common thing. You most often stayed on the family farm until you were military age, then you served in the army, came home, and chose to continue the agricultural life or join the budding industrial revolution. You married a young woman, bought a house, and started a family. You paid your taxes, retired, and enjoyed your golden years. You never discussed sex outside the home in public, and your kids stayed virgins until they got married. A few luckier kids got to go to college, but it wasn't nearly as common as it is today. This was life up until the 50's. I can, without a doubt say we've become more liberal than this, but as I mentioned, there was an ebb and a flow.
The 50's brought a big change in true American society. the television was beginning to become a commonplace household item, and it was becoming very common for every family to have a car. These two items presented information to become readily available to the people, and gave more of a freedom to family members, especially dating teenagers. While the people on TV were still portrayed as super conservative, often with married couples sleeping in separate beds, teens now had a way to spend time alone with each other, no longer being required to be in one or the other's home, and unsupervised. Most everyone who will be reading this is most likely over the age of 16, and does understand the urges that come with being that age. This drastically began to liberalize society. Many will only point out the fact that it led to more teen pregnancies and the decline of the American family, which it may have. But I do see another side of this. Teens and young adults started learning earlier how to make their own choices about their own bodies and futures. People began to be free to make their own choices outside of expectation, including education and military service. I feel that this led to a slow and steady rise in finishing high school and college attendence.
Now the 60's and 70's, I feel, are the big factor in saying that we have gone back to being more conservative now. As the sexual revolution rose up and drugs ran rampant, we, as a society, became more liberal than we have ever become. The music got louder, drugs got stronger, and the social expectation was for the young people to always partake in this activity. Americans still had the option to make their own choices, but the direction that the majority was moving in was in the liberal direction. Common themes of "all you need is love" and "lets all share everything", plus the weed and the acid and the orgies of the late sixties put America in a state where it couldn't be any more free, and any more liberal. We had essentially hit the wall of one end of the spectrum, and the only thing to do was to turn around and ease our way back.
Now, as I said before, there really isn't an overall direction that society went, whether conservative or liberal, through the 70's, 80's, 90's and 2000's. In many ways we've become more liberal. All women have the right to choose their careers, an idea that would have been absolutely unheard of in the 50's, up through the 70's. Some women have chosen to stay at home and raise a family, but the vast majority are out making a name for themselves. This is a very good thing economically, as it raises the opportunity for our per capita income. Marriage and kids in themselves are an option across the board, not an expectation as they once were. We kept the sexual freedom and the drugs, offering them up as options for the people who wish to partake, and it's still hard to walk through a dormitory without smelling that very familiar smell. Sexual orientation, once seen as the greatest taboo in the world, is now completely open, homosexuality even being encouraged at times. Even clothing has become more and more revealing as time has gone on. But we've also moved some of our collective ideals in a conservative direction. The 80's big business movement, and the 90's small business movements made it more acceptable to be "the man". The information age brought a large amount of people out of the factories and into an office, trading in a uniform for a suit or skirt. And even with our sexual freedom, the vast majority of our society still prefers the path of marriage and family, even if it is a little later in our lives than our parents did it.
All in all, we have come to be more conservative, but we do live in a time period where, when you take the politics out of the words, we are in a very nicely balanced state. We have the choice to be as rigid and traditional as our 30's and 40's counterparts, or be as wild and free as our 60's counterparts. We've chosen a little of both, and it makes our American society a great place to live.
A guy named Shawn that I used to work with and I started with this argument a couple years ago one day at lunch. We were arguing about the upcoming Presidential campaign. While we both seemed to agree on which party should be represented in the next President of the United States, he did say one thing that stuck with me, and is the basis for this article. His exact words were "No successful society in history has ever gone from a liberal state to a more conservative state." This is something I have never believed to be true. After all, the formation of Abrahamic religions is testament to a group of people going from living off of basic conscience to having a concrete set of rules and guidelines to live life by. The rules were even etched in stone. To further history on the matter, every time the society of the Nation of Israel started to fall away from these values that were instilled, they were taken from their homes and enslaved by another superpower of the region. Now, I'm not out to make this into a religion lesson by any means. My focus is going to be on American society over the last 70-100 years, but I do feel that this can be used as a reference point. The Renaissance can also be used as a model of a society that became more proper and conservative and succeeded for a very long time. There are also examples of failure. The Soviet Union was in a state of rigid stiffness and modesty, and they failed miserably. Nazi Germany, another example. The people of these nations, however, had no freedom to express themselves as Israel and many nations of Renaissance Europe, and that is a key factor in the success of a modest, conservative society.
Both Liberalism and Conservatism have had an ebb and flow in the recent history of the United States on the society as a whole. Individuals have always had the freedom to choose their own path, and that is a part of what makes this society work, but lets take a look at some of the ways that we've seen the ebb and the flow, and how expectations of the people have been changed over the last 100 or so years.
As I mentioned before in my article on manipulation, the dynamic of the average American family has changed since 1913. Back then a 10th grade education was a very common thing. You most often stayed on the family farm until you were military age, then you served in the army, came home, and chose to continue the agricultural life or join the budding industrial revolution. You married a young woman, bought a house, and started a family. You paid your taxes, retired, and enjoyed your golden years. You never discussed sex outside the home in public, and your kids stayed virgins until they got married. A few luckier kids got to go to college, but it wasn't nearly as common as it is today. This was life up until the 50's. I can, without a doubt say we've become more liberal than this, but as I mentioned, there was an ebb and a flow.
The 50's brought a big change in true American society. the television was beginning to become a commonplace household item, and it was becoming very common for every family to have a car. These two items presented information to become readily available to the people, and gave more of a freedom to family members, especially dating teenagers. While the people on TV were still portrayed as super conservative, often with married couples sleeping in separate beds, teens now had a way to spend time alone with each other, no longer being required to be in one or the other's home, and unsupervised. Most everyone who will be reading this is most likely over the age of 16, and does understand the urges that come with being that age. This drastically began to liberalize society. Many will only point out the fact that it led to more teen pregnancies and the decline of the American family, which it may have. But I do see another side of this. Teens and young adults started learning earlier how to make their own choices about their own bodies and futures. People began to be free to make their own choices outside of expectation, including education and military service. I feel that this led to a slow and steady rise in finishing high school and college attendence.
Now the 60's and 70's, I feel, are the big factor in saying that we have gone back to being more conservative now. As the sexual revolution rose up and drugs ran rampant, we, as a society, became more liberal than we have ever become. The music got louder, drugs got stronger, and the social expectation was for the young people to always partake in this activity. Americans still had the option to make their own choices, but the direction that the majority was moving in was in the liberal direction. Common themes of "all you need is love" and "lets all share everything", plus the weed and the acid and the orgies of the late sixties put America in a state where it couldn't be any more free, and any more liberal. We had essentially hit the wall of one end of the spectrum, and the only thing to do was to turn around and ease our way back.
Now, as I said before, there really isn't an overall direction that society went, whether conservative or liberal, through the 70's, 80's, 90's and 2000's. In many ways we've become more liberal. All women have the right to choose their careers, an idea that would have been absolutely unheard of in the 50's, up through the 70's. Some women have chosen to stay at home and raise a family, but the vast majority are out making a name for themselves. This is a very good thing economically, as it raises the opportunity for our per capita income. Marriage and kids in themselves are an option across the board, not an expectation as they once were. We kept the sexual freedom and the drugs, offering them up as options for the people who wish to partake, and it's still hard to walk through a dormitory without smelling that very familiar smell. Sexual orientation, once seen as the greatest taboo in the world, is now completely open, homosexuality even being encouraged at times. Even clothing has become more and more revealing as time has gone on. But we've also moved some of our collective ideals in a conservative direction. The 80's big business movement, and the 90's small business movements made it more acceptable to be "the man". The information age brought a large amount of people out of the factories and into an office, trading in a uniform for a suit or skirt. And even with our sexual freedom, the vast majority of our society still prefers the path of marriage and family, even if it is a little later in our lives than our parents did it.
All in all, we have come to be more conservative, but we do live in a time period where, when you take the politics out of the words, we are in a very nicely balanced state. We have the choice to be as rigid and traditional as our 30's and 40's counterparts, or be as wild and free as our 60's counterparts. We've chosen a little of both, and it makes our American society a great place to live.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Rules on Dating 5: Projection Versus Having a Type
This is for you, Jessica
"I can't go after him, he's not my type". "We didn't really click, she just wasn't my type". How often have you actually heard these lines?? I've heard a lot of people (especially girls to a guy) dismiss these lines as a load of crap. I don't particularly buy into that school of thought. I believe that everyone has a type of person he or she is particularly attracted to, and there are many schools of thought as to what influences and determines these characteristics. We will be exploring these a little bit later, but first a question must be posed. How do you know when you've found your "type" instead of just replacing the girl who you lost with someone else who reminds you of her. I, myself, have experienced both in a very big way.
Lets begin by exploring what it means to have a type. Most people have a set of specific, but sometimes very subtle characteristics that attract them almost every time. I will volunteer an experience of my own as an example. During the competition show that recently ended, King of the Nerds on TBS, one of the contestants, Genevieve Pearson, really really got my heart going like you wouldn't believe. Outwardly, she looked very VERY different from anyone I had ever dated or any celebrity I had ever expressed any interest in prior. In spite of this, one night, when my best friend came over while the show was on one night to discuss a different matter, I had glanced over at the TV, and stated "Genevieve makes me feel kind of funny in the pants.". Keeping in mind, that Jason had come over quite a ways into the episode that was aired, and all of the name captions had already passed, so he couldn't have seen any of them, he motioned to the screen and asked "You mean that one??", very quickly and correctly identifying Mrs. Pearson as the object of my affection. He knows me well enough to have noticed the things beyond the obvious. There are usually some pretty obvious reasons behind these obvious and subtle preferences, and when they are pointed out, they make a lot of sense. The most common, most prominent, and probably the most obvious is to take a good look at our old friends, Oedipus and Electra. Like it or not, and like your parents or not, our mothers and fathers, and the people who raised us, for those who didn't happen to have our biological parents with us, are the biggest influences in the world as to who we choose to be intimate with. They are, after all, the first people we imprint on and find comfort with. As disturbing as it is, most of us, in some way, are trying to find someone to replace our mom or dad with, I'm just as guilty of it as anyone else. Another big factor is friends. I'm not talking about your same sex friends who you sit and gossip about your sexual encounters with or your opposite sex friends now. No, the way I see the factors coming out is in the people of the opposite sex you hung out with when you were in grade school and middle school. Similar to the way our parents influenced our choices in mates, the people we hung out with when we were younger of the opposite sex are some of the first of our peers, opposite gender, that we imprinted on. Again, it's the people who first made us feel comfortable. Similarly, these children in our lives helped us develop our personalities and differentiated us from being clones from our parents, personality-wise. They were also there as we discovered our own interests, and many times helped us find them. Lastly, and this happens everywhere, but is more prominent in smaller, closer knit communities, and among people who don't move much growing up, we begin to grow up, and the girls and boys around us who helped us develop personality and find our interests grow up, and develop with us. As we see them in a new light, our hormones raging, and us discovering our sexualities, we continue to be drawn to the people who made us comfortable. Adolescents conflate sexual feelings with the feelings of comfort and familiarity, and associate features like hair color, eye color, race, and body shape with those feelings of comfort, whether the new people they are pursuing possess the certain interests or personality attributes or not.
One other factor that determines a type is the common peer pressure and social expectations. I think this is a little more prevalent in guys over girls, and if any girls want to call me out on that and correct me, you are welcome to. I can't speak for what happens solely between girls. I know that with guys, there is an expectation as to what kind of girl you are supposed to chase. They will make all kinds of jokes if you are going after someone who isn't a certain way, and usually it has to do with weight. Even if you try to justify your interest, you generally get met with more scorn. Recently, I had a small spark of attraction towards a girl in my Foodservice Cost Control class. I mentioned to one of my best friends (who is married to a very slender woman), and described her as "having a little bit of spare tire, but I don't mind it because she does have a perfect ass", he responded to me with "We all know you don't mind a spare tire" fairly scornfully. With women, even if I don't know what the basis of measure is, I do know that there is a level of social expectation among them, as well.
There is one last factor that makes people believe that another person is their "type" when, in fact, I don't believe it has any weight in determining what a type is at all. It's projection, and it generally shows up shortly after another relationship ends. Projection seems to be most common in the rebound phase of a breakup, when the memory is still fresh, you're missing out on what you had, and a lot of times, looking for a replacement. I have a prime example of this from my own life. Disclaimer: looking back on it, in spite of the elements I did use to justify this at the time and a long time after, what I did was, in fact, wrong. I can't go in the past and change it, though. A year and a half ago, as the relationship that I was in was on a serious decline, but before we ended it. To be fair, she did already have another boyfriend I didn't know about yet. I was out on a Tuesday night with my best friend in the world, Jason. We happened upon a couple girls in an empty bar that was closing early. J knew the one, I had never met either, but I was very, VERY strongly attracted to the other. With her short, brown hair, huge greenish/bluish eyes, fair skin tone, ample curves, and shapely behind, along with the fact that I am pretty sure she's part Italian, she was a verifiable clone of the girl I was dating at the time. She had been checking me out a little, too. Her friend, the one that J knows, was the more forward, offering to us that we go out together, a little double date, and gave me her number. While we were out, we sat coupled up. J and his friend on one side of the table and the lovely lady and myself at the other. Any chance that the object of my affection and I had to split off from the group and be alone for a few moments, we took, and seemed to be encouraged by our friends. I was falling fast, but I look back now and feel like it may have only been projection. I projected my feelings for my failed relationship onto another girl who was visibly near identical to my girlfriend. This factor has a lot of grey area, and can be open to interpretation. A plausible defense could be opened up saying that your significant other or former significant other would most likely fall into the category of your "type" and therefore, you have simply found someone else who is your type. My rebuttal, and final thought on this topic is this. When you've found someone who is your type, it's someone who is similar to you, and someone who will grow and develop with you at a pace you are comfortable with. Sometimes its fast, sometimes it takes years, but that is the preference of the people who are involved. Because projection often comes close to the end of a relationship, the subconscious is so eager to pick up the pieces and start right where the object of projection left off, that these feelings come on strongly and quickly, are mostly rooted in denial, and are almost always temporary.
As for how that night ended, that is between Jason, the two lovely ladies, and I. I shared enough to make my point, and that is all the further I will go, publically, to respect the honor of the one I admired.
"I can't go after him, he's not my type". "We didn't really click, she just wasn't my type". How often have you actually heard these lines?? I've heard a lot of people (especially girls to a guy) dismiss these lines as a load of crap. I don't particularly buy into that school of thought. I believe that everyone has a type of person he or she is particularly attracted to, and there are many schools of thought as to what influences and determines these characteristics. We will be exploring these a little bit later, but first a question must be posed. How do you know when you've found your "type" instead of just replacing the girl who you lost with someone else who reminds you of her. I, myself, have experienced both in a very big way.
Lets begin by exploring what it means to have a type. Most people have a set of specific, but sometimes very subtle characteristics that attract them almost every time. I will volunteer an experience of my own as an example. During the competition show that recently ended, King of the Nerds on TBS, one of the contestants, Genevieve Pearson, really really got my heart going like you wouldn't believe. Outwardly, she looked very VERY different from anyone I had ever dated or any celebrity I had ever expressed any interest in prior. In spite of this, one night, when my best friend came over while the show was on one night to discuss a different matter, I had glanced over at the TV, and stated "Genevieve makes me feel kind of funny in the pants.". Keeping in mind, that Jason had come over quite a ways into the episode that was aired, and all of the name captions had already passed, so he couldn't have seen any of them, he motioned to the screen and asked "You mean that one??", very quickly and correctly identifying Mrs. Pearson as the object of my affection. He knows me well enough to have noticed the things beyond the obvious. There are usually some pretty obvious reasons behind these obvious and subtle preferences, and when they are pointed out, they make a lot of sense. The most common, most prominent, and probably the most obvious is to take a good look at our old friends, Oedipus and Electra. Like it or not, and like your parents or not, our mothers and fathers, and the people who raised us, for those who didn't happen to have our biological parents with us, are the biggest influences in the world as to who we choose to be intimate with. They are, after all, the first people we imprint on and find comfort with. As disturbing as it is, most of us, in some way, are trying to find someone to replace our mom or dad with, I'm just as guilty of it as anyone else. Another big factor is friends. I'm not talking about your same sex friends who you sit and gossip about your sexual encounters with or your opposite sex friends now. No, the way I see the factors coming out is in the people of the opposite sex you hung out with when you were in grade school and middle school. Similar to the way our parents influenced our choices in mates, the people we hung out with when we were younger of the opposite sex are some of the first of our peers, opposite gender, that we imprinted on. Again, it's the people who first made us feel comfortable. Similarly, these children in our lives helped us develop our personalities and differentiated us from being clones from our parents, personality-wise. They were also there as we discovered our own interests, and many times helped us find them. Lastly, and this happens everywhere, but is more prominent in smaller, closer knit communities, and among people who don't move much growing up, we begin to grow up, and the girls and boys around us who helped us develop personality and find our interests grow up, and develop with us. As we see them in a new light, our hormones raging, and us discovering our sexualities, we continue to be drawn to the people who made us comfortable. Adolescents conflate sexual feelings with the feelings of comfort and familiarity, and associate features like hair color, eye color, race, and body shape with those feelings of comfort, whether the new people they are pursuing possess the certain interests or personality attributes or not.
One other factor that determines a type is the common peer pressure and social expectations. I think this is a little more prevalent in guys over girls, and if any girls want to call me out on that and correct me, you are welcome to. I can't speak for what happens solely between girls. I know that with guys, there is an expectation as to what kind of girl you are supposed to chase. They will make all kinds of jokes if you are going after someone who isn't a certain way, and usually it has to do with weight. Even if you try to justify your interest, you generally get met with more scorn. Recently, I had a small spark of attraction towards a girl in my Foodservice Cost Control class. I mentioned to one of my best friends (who is married to a very slender woman), and described her as "having a little bit of spare tire, but I don't mind it because she does have a perfect ass", he responded to me with "We all know you don't mind a spare tire" fairly scornfully. With women, even if I don't know what the basis of measure is, I do know that there is a level of social expectation among them, as well.
There is one last factor that makes people believe that another person is their "type" when, in fact, I don't believe it has any weight in determining what a type is at all. It's projection, and it generally shows up shortly after another relationship ends. Projection seems to be most common in the rebound phase of a breakup, when the memory is still fresh, you're missing out on what you had, and a lot of times, looking for a replacement. I have a prime example of this from my own life. Disclaimer: looking back on it, in spite of the elements I did use to justify this at the time and a long time after, what I did was, in fact, wrong. I can't go in the past and change it, though. A year and a half ago, as the relationship that I was in was on a serious decline, but before we ended it. To be fair, she did already have another boyfriend I didn't know about yet. I was out on a Tuesday night with my best friend in the world, Jason. We happened upon a couple girls in an empty bar that was closing early. J knew the one, I had never met either, but I was very, VERY strongly attracted to the other. With her short, brown hair, huge greenish/bluish eyes, fair skin tone, ample curves, and shapely behind, along with the fact that I am pretty sure she's part Italian, she was a verifiable clone of the girl I was dating at the time. She had been checking me out a little, too. Her friend, the one that J knows, was the more forward, offering to us that we go out together, a little double date, and gave me her number. While we were out, we sat coupled up. J and his friend on one side of the table and the lovely lady and myself at the other. Any chance that the object of my affection and I had to split off from the group and be alone for a few moments, we took, and seemed to be encouraged by our friends. I was falling fast, but I look back now and feel like it may have only been projection. I projected my feelings for my failed relationship onto another girl who was visibly near identical to my girlfriend. This factor has a lot of grey area, and can be open to interpretation. A plausible defense could be opened up saying that your significant other or former significant other would most likely fall into the category of your "type" and therefore, you have simply found someone else who is your type. My rebuttal, and final thought on this topic is this. When you've found someone who is your type, it's someone who is similar to you, and someone who will grow and develop with you at a pace you are comfortable with. Sometimes its fast, sometimes it takes years, but that is the preference of the people who are involved. Because projection often comes close to the end of a relationship, the subconscious is so eager to pick up the pieces and start right where the object of projection left off, that these feelings come on strongly and quickly, are mostly rooted in denial, and are almost always temporary.
As for how that night ended, that is between Jason, the two lovely ladies, and I. I shared enough to make my point, and that is all the further I will go, publically, to respect the honor of the one I admired.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
The Post-Archive Introduction
Now that I have archived everything from my old blog hosting site to here and given myself a very very wide new audience to read and be educated, it's time to do some new stuff and introduce myself and my brand new blog. My name is J. Edgar. I am currently a truck technician looking to leave the field and open a restaurant, after I finish culinary school. At the time this article is written, I'm currently enrolled in my second semester of culinary school, and doing wonderfully. I also have three jobs. What you have stumbled upon is a collection of sociological observations, along with other things that I enjoy very much. I watch things, especially things like failing and failed relationships, and the advice that I want to scream at the people who won't listen just builds up in my head and frustrates me severely, and this is an outlet for me to inform anyone who WILL listen. Although I don't have a degree in Analytical Psychology or Sociology, I do have open eyes, open ears, and an eidetic memory. So please, take some time, see the world through my eyes, and learn from my observations and experiences. And if you like what you've read, this blog has a fan page. Take the time, like my fan page, and leave comments on here, because my readers shape what is to come in my later articles.
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Monday, March 18, 2013
The Sharpay Effect
This blog entry is dedicated to Jenny the Sunnyside bar fly. That cold bitchy look in your eyes is the inspiration for this.
In the great song by the Eagles, "Desperado", Don Henley gives the slow line "but you only want the ones you can't get". I noticed an interesting feeling in the bar that seems to really relate to this. People tend to chase the people that are out of reach. The people who are out of their leagues. The shiny apple at the top of the tree if you will. The appeal leads to superiority and inferiority complexes, and an effect that I've noticed in women for years, but have finally seen in a way that I can figure out and analyze and explain.
Now before we look at what I call the Sharpay Effect, there's another effect that I noticed a while back. I call it the "Hot Girl Complex". I'll explain. The more stuck up of very attractive girls get a lot of attention. They claim that some of it is unwanted, so when a guy that they don't necessarily want starts noticeably paying attention to them, they act angry, sometimes getting to the point of confronting the gentleman who is paying her mind. But the thing that pushes these types of girls further is coming to find out that the guy that they think is beneath them doesn't find them attractive. I first noticed this about 6 years ago when I worked at a local grocery store. This was back before I became awesome, when I had long hair and dressed like I was allergic to quality fabrics. One of the new cashiers at the time was constantly showing up at the time clock right around the time that I was. One day, while I was working, my friend Shandra approached me and told me that this girl (her name escapes me right now) was angry because I kept checking her out (she said angry, not upset). I kindly took her aside and explained to her this fact. Honestly, as hot as this little girl's little body was, her face completely ruined it for me. The blond little corkscrews in her shoulder length hair just didn't do it for me at all, and her face kinda made me think of a parakeet every time. So my friend explained to her that I didn't think she was attractive at all. She didn't say the parakeet thing, because I knew better than to say that to her in a grocery store environment. Any intimate secrets being in the open are just asking for trouble. Anyhow, after that, this girl always had the dirtiest, nastiest look in her eyes toward me, wouldn't take me as a customer when I went up front to get something to eat or drink, and wouldn't let me get her anything from the deli, where I was working. This is not the last time this has happened to me, either. Come to think if it, it wasn't the first time. It actually really is a sad sad situation when a girl is so desperate for male attention that she gets pissed off when a guy she doesn't like doesn't think she's hot. But even worse than that is the "I deserve everyone's attention" attitude that this article was written for.
There are certain girls out there, fewer actually than a person may think, who have essentially been given quite a bit, whether it be attention, worldly possessions, or her "way". Being spoiled doesn't automatically mean getting everything, just always getting what you want in a certain way. It's a hard concept to explain. A person can be spoiled with his or her way without getting any sort of worldly possessions, like a child who's siblings are forced to work constantly while he sits at home and plays video games and is never expected to get any sort of job even long into adulthood. This child isn't getting whatever he wants, and isn't whiny or snarky, just lazy, and yet still spoiled. Another example is the girl with the nice body who thrives on attention, and gets it. Her daddy didn't go out and buy her a car or any expensive trips or shopping sprees, but everywhere she goes every eye is on her, and that is, to her, psych0ligically, the ultimate goal. It is this type of spoiled that brings us to the meat of this article.
I see this second type of spoiled weekly at the bar that I go to regularly. A girl who comes in regularly exhibits it well. Now, I don't know her personally, so all I can do is speculate, but I do know my gender, and I can tell you outrightly that with the body on this girl, she turns heads everywhere she goes, and she knows it. Her face is ok, but her body is spectacular, and when I say face is ok, I mean I actually normally would never ever think to ask her out unless I had a few, but there is more than that. Much the same is her attitude to that of the character who lent her name to the title of this article. In the High School Musical franchise, Sharpay is a character who believes herself to deserve everything that she desires. "I want fabulous" is the quote that sticks out. In the literature, she is a cutthroat character who will make life a living hell for anyone who stands in the way of her getting whatever she wants because it's supposedly a birthright to her, and the opposing side of being sweet as sugar to anyone who enables her the things she desires forms into a certain kind of attitude that outwardly emanates from her in her walk, and her talk. Much the same way, this regular patron has an attitude just pouring off of her. Everytime I look at her eyes, I can almost hear her saying "I'm too good for you, I'm too good for anyone, but damnit, if you don't want me anyway there is gonna be hell to pay". I've also noticed that when she's getting attention from guys, she's calmer, more personable, and generally happier, but in the empty bar situation, or when she's not getting checked out, she tends to be cold, distanced, and even prone to snapping over the littlest things.
Now to close, we'll roll all this into the actual effect that's attached to it. While I already find Ashley Tisdale attractive, my heart races when I see her throwing her Sharpay attitude around. Seeing the determination and the attitude in her eyes and hearing it in her voice is just plain hot. In just the same way, as I mentioned before, I normally wouldn't be even interested in this girl who inspired me to write this, but once I see the attitude, she's irresistable. The Sharpay Effect, a spoiled attitude that makes a person seem unapproachable also makes them more and more attractive. You only want the ones that you can't get.
J. Edgar
In the great song by the Eagles, "Desperado", Don Henley gives the slow line "but you only want the ones you can't get". I noticed an interesting feeling in the bar that seems to really relate to this. People tend to chase the people that are out of reach. The people who are out of their leagues. The shiny apple at the top of the tree if you will. The appeal leads to superiority and inferiority complexes, and an effect that I've noticed in women for years, but have finally seen in a way that I can figure out and analyze and explain.
Now before we look at what I call the Sharpay Effect, there's another effect that I noticed a while back. I call it the "Hot Girl Complex". I'll explain. The more stuck up of very attractive girls get a lot of attention. They claim that some of it is unwanted, so when a guy that they don't necessarily want starts noticeably paying attention to them, they act angry, sometimes getting to the point of confronting the gentleman who is paying her mind. But the thing that pushes these types of girls further is coming to find out that the guy that they think is beneath them doesn't find them attractive. I first noticed this about 6 years ago when I worked at a local grocery store. This was back before I became awesome, when I had long hair and dressed like I was allergic to quality fabrics. One of the new cashiers at the time was constantly showing up at the time clock right around the time that I was. One day, while I was working, my friend Shandra approached me and told me that this girl (her name escapes me right now) was angry because I kept checking her out (she said angry, not upset). I kindly took her aside and explained to her this fact. Honestly, as hot as this little girl's little body was, her face completely ruined it for me. The blond little corkscrews in her shoulder length hair just didn't do it for me at all, and her face kinda made me think of a parakeet every time. So my friend explained to her that I didn't think she was attractive at all. She didn't say the parakeet thing, because I knew better than to say that to her in a grocery store environment. Any intimate secrets being in the open are just asking for trouble. Anyhow, after that, this girl always had the dirtiest, nastiest look in her eyes toward me, wouldn't take me as a customer when I went up front to get something to eat or drink, and wouldn't let me get her anything from the deli, where I was working. This is not the last time this has happened to me, either. Come to think if it, it wasn't the first time. It actually really is a sad sad situation when a girl is so desperate for male attention that she gets pissed off when a guy she doesn't like doesn't think she's hot. But even worse than that is the "I deserve everyone's attention" attitude that this article was written for.
There are certain girls out there, fewer actually than a person may think, who have essentially been given quite a bit, whether it be attention, worldly possessions, or her "way". Being spoiled doesn't automatically mean getting everything, just always getting what you want in a certain way. It's a hard concept to explain. A person can be spoiled with his or her way without getting any sort of worldly possessions, like a child who's siblings are forced to work constantly while he sits at home and plays video games and is never expected to get any sort of job even long into adulthood. This child isn't getting whatever he wants, and isn't whiny or snarky, just lazy, and yet still spoiled. Another example is the girl with the nice body who thrives on attention, and gets it. Her daddy didn't go out and buy her a car or any expensive trips or shopping sprees, but everywhere she goes every eye is on her, and that is, to her, psych0ligically, the ultimate goal. It is this type of spoiled that brings us to the meat of this article.
I see this second type of spoiled weekly at the bar that I go to regularly. A girl who comes in regularly exhibits it well. Now, I don't know her personally, so all I can do is speculate, but I do know my gender, and I can tell you outrightly that with the body on this girl, she turns heads everywhere she goes, and she knows it. Her face is ok, but her body is spectacular, and when I say face is ok, I mean I actually normally would never ever think to ask her out unless I had a few, but there is more than that. Much the same is her attitude to that of the character who lent her name to the title of this article. In the High School Musical franchise, Sharpay is a character who believes herself to deserve everything that she desires. "I want fabulous" is the quote that sticks out. In the literature, she is a cutthroat character who will make life a living hell for anyone who stands in the way of her getting whatever she wants because it's supposedly a birthright to her, and the opposing side of being sweet as sugar to anyone who enables her the things she desires forms into a certain kind of attitude that outwardly emanates from her in her walk, and her talk. Much the same way, this regular patron has an attitude just pouring off of her. Everytime I look at her eyes, I can almost hear her saying "I'm too good for you, I'm too good for anyone, but damnit, if you don't want me anyway there is gonna be hell to pay". I've also noticed that when she's getting attention from guys, she's calmer, more personable, and generally happier, but in the empty bar situation, or when she's not getting checked out, she tends to be cold, distanced, and even prone to snapping over the littlest things.
Now to close, we'll roll all this into the actual effect that's attached to it. While I already find Ashley Tisdale attractive, my heart races when I see her throwing her Sharpay attitude around. Seeing the determination and the attitude in her eyes and hearing it in her voice is just plain hot. In just the same way, as I mentioned before, I normally wouldn't be even interested in this girl who inspired me to write this, but once I see the attitude, she's irresistable. The Sharpay Effect, a spoiled attitude that makes a person seem unapproachable also makes them more and more attractive. You only want the ones that you can't get.
J. Edgar
Rules on Dating 4: Manipulation; A True Battle of the Sexes
We've come to a point in history where a marriage has a better chance
of ending in a courtroom than a cemetery. Relationships come and go
faster than they ever have. The time when a date was the gateway to a
lifelong relationship, and generally pre-arranged by family, friends, or
simply location, has evolved into the time when a date goes into
something that only lasts until one or both parties get what they want,
whether physical, financial, or sociological. I am not innocent to this
either. It's societal. People are expected to behave a certain way,
but why?? Let's explore this...
Our modern society is awash in breakups and divorces, and one of the most common reasons people give when they are asked about their breakups is "He/She was just using me." Both genders use this reason, and both genders have a reason to use it. Men and women are both crafty in getting what they want out of a relationship, but what is it that they want?? To start with, let's look at society. Our society has opened the doors for women over the last 40 years. Looking back at TV and movies from the 50's, 60's, and even the 70's, what do we always see?? A patriarchal society where the man goes to work and the wife stays as the home maker. From what I've heard of accounts of this time period, this isn't far off, either. Women of this time got married essentially to survive. Love came much easier and with less pickiness as it does today, and a divorce meant being used up goods, a spinster reputation, and little to no options for life. Job categories were limited to just a few options. A societal shift among teens in the 70's led women to have tons more freedom and life options other than getting married through the 80's on to today. This led to older marriages, and women becoming more independent, not needing a man in her life to go to work every day to survive, and led to a the great equality that we enjoy today.
Now most of us already know all this, but how does this relate to manipulation?? As women grew to equality, and needed men less and less, their options became broader. If the man that asked her out did not suit her needs or changed in a way that no longer pleases her, she can get up and move on to the next option. This phenomenon completely changed the dynamic of dating for both genders, and led to the enormous amounts of breakups and divorces previously mentioned. And also led to a wide variety of games, tricks, and evil moves to get both dates and get out of relationships. Both sides are guilty, but there are massively different reasons, mostly engraved deep in our human psychology
Now, I don't have a psych degree. I'm a mechanic, and a lawn care/snow removal specialist. Everything in all of my blog entries is strictly observation, and has no medical background to it. That being said, let's delve into the things I've observed about human courtship. Now, men and women both have needs from the other, but both are very different. In courtship, men are generally driven by a desire for sex, while women are generally driven by a need to feel attractive. What makes this work is how each gender, by seeking their needs, offers the opposite need in turn. An interesting side note to this is that I have observed that our courtship needs are more about what's offered than what's needed. While all relationships are about give and take and caring, I've noticed that gay relationship tend to be less sexually charged, and gay men tend to be more conscious of their appearances and attractiveness, and lesbian relationship, whether real, or a show to attract men at a college party, tend to be a little more sexually charged. This small observation opened the door for one of the biggest observations I've noted about human courtship. To put it harshly, when it comes to sex, men have to impress the women, flowers, drinks, dinners, smooth talk, and women simply have to be available. Harsh as it is, it illustrates the first observation I made. A woman who puts herself out there can feel attractive when held in passion, and not in planning. She got a complete stranger to fall enough in love with her to want her, and a guy got laid. The opposite side of this is the classic adage that I've seen on women's t-shirts, keychains, and bumper stickers. "Men are like wood floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for life". Women know they can use sex, being a driving force to men, to entice companionship, and to keep their partner around.
Now, this shows the driving force that holds relationships together, but where does manipulation come into play on this. Simply put, it's when dating turns from a sociological ideal to a game. Manipulation mostly comes in two phases of a relationship. The first is during attraction. Women and men go to outrageous lengths to attract the opposite sex. Perfumes, colognes, alcohol, clothes, a myriad of other tools and games, all leading to one specific purpose. For the unclaimed (and occasionally the claimed) to attract the attention of a mate, if only for a night. Women dress as scantily as possible, sometimes wearing clothes out that are practically lingerie, to project themselves as available. They will also dance wildly and act drunker than they may actually be, projecting themselves as more approachable. Some women will even go as far as to make out with a female friend in public place to charge the sexual urges of the men around. Men on the other hand, will dress in high end clothes, wear expensive clothes and accessories, and wear hairstyles that are excessively done up to project richness and the ability to take care of a woman long term, whether true or not. In conversation men in the attraction state also pretend to listen and buy meals and drinks, giving the image of a caring man who is attracted to the woman mind and body, and project the stereotype of the breadwinner. While this is a tired old stereotype that is becoming less and less true, as I mentioned before, it's still deeply etched in the societal collective mind of humans, and still seemingly important in attracting a mate. These series of acts and stories may not accurately reflect the people who are projecting them, but the werewolf effect attracts mates every day, and many one night stands lead into relationships, some that last for years before the boredom sets in and the second form of manipulation starts to set in.
The second form of manipulation is the dangerous part, when the relationship starts. When people manipulate to get into a relationship, it's generally purpose driven, and that comes back to the argument of illiciting attraction or sex, and both genders play dangerous games to get their goals, and continue to hold on to them. Men tend to play yo-yo with attraction. What I mean by this is that a man will give attracted attention to a woman initially, then retract the attention for an indefinite amount of time, even sometimes going as far as mild insult, and in severe cases, the retraction goes as far as abuse. Whatever the degree, the reason is always the same, so that a small display of affection will seem like an earth shattering romantic gesture, and entice them into a sexual mood. Then afterwards will go back to a state of retracted attraction. Women on the other hand, seeking the feeling of attraction, will tend to lead or force their men to prove their attraction in various manners. This varies far in degree. Some women will stand in a mirror and judge themselves vocally in front of their men, waiting for them to disagree and express the attraction. In other cases they will attempt to push the relationship in a further direction. This phenomenon is discussed as the marriage fix in a previous article. Most women will try to initiate sex as a measure of attraction. Finally, a few more self conscious women have been known to move to deadly measures, convincing a man that she can't be with him in hopes that he will harm or kill himself as a grand gesture to show how attracted he is.
Now, there is no real solution to this dangerous game. Awareness is essentially key. Seeing the unhealthy signs and backing out before a person gets hurt or emotionally damaged is the only aid to this. And as simply as the increasing equality of men and women is what slowly led to this war, it can also be the treaty that ends it. If a relationship isn't working, or is damaging, both men and women have options, and can move on and find someone who is truly suited for them, not someone who had to put on an act to get there.
J. Edgar Davis
Our modern society is awash in breakups and divorces, and one of the most common reasons people give when they are asked about their breakups is "He/She was just using me." Both genders use this reason, and both genders have a reason to use it. Men and women are both crafty in getting what they want out of a relationship, but what is it that they want?? To start with, let's look at society. Our society has opened the doors for women over the last 40 years. Looking back at TV and movies from the 50's, 60's, and even the 70's, what do we always see?? A patriarchal society where the man goes to work and the wife stays as the home maker. From what I've heard of accounts of this time period, this isn't far off, either. Women of this time got married essentially to survive. Love came much easier and with less pickiness as it does today, and a divorce meant being used up goods, a spinster reputation, and little to no options for life. Job categories were limited to just a few options. A societal shift among teens in the 70's led women to have tons more freedom and life options other than getting married through the 80's on to today. This led to older marriages, and women becoming more independent, not needing a man in her life to go to work every day to survive, and led to a the great equality that we enjoy today.
Now most of us already know all this, but how does this relate to manipulation?? As women grew to equality, and needed men less and less, their options became broader. If the man that asked her out did not suit her needs or changed in a way that no longer pleases her, she can get up and move on to the next option. This phenomenon completely changed the dynamic of dating for both genders, and led to the enormous amounts of breakups and divorces previously mentioned. And also led to a wide variety of games, tricks, and evil moves to get both dates and get out of relationships. Both sides are guilty, but there are massively different reasons, mostly engraved deep in our human psychology
Now, I don't have a psych degree. I'm a mechanic, and a lawn care/snow removal specialist. Everything in all of my blog entries is strictly observation, and has no medical background to it. That being said, let's delve into the things I've observed about human courtship. Now, men and women both have needs from the other, but both are very different. In courtship, men are generally driven by a desire for sex, while women are generally driven by a need to feel attractive. What makes this work is how each gender, by seeking their needs, offers the opposite need in turn. An interesting side note to this is that I have observed that our courtship needs are more about what's offered than what's needed. While all relationships are about give and take and caring, I've noticed that gay relationship tend to be less sexually charged, and gay men tend to be more conscious of their appearances and attractiveness, and lesbian relationship, whether real, or a show to attract men at a college party, tend to be a little more sexually charged. This small observation opened the door for one of the biggest observations I've noted about human courtship. To put it harshly, when it comes to sex, men have to impress the women, flowers, drinks, dinners, smooth talk, and women simply have to be available. Harsh as it is, it illustrates the first observation I made. A woman who puts herself out there can feel attractive when held in passion, and not in planning. She got a complete stranger to fall enough in love with her to want her, and a guy got laid. The opposite side of this is the classic adage that I've seen on women's t-shirts, keychains, and bumper stickers. "Men are like wood floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for life". Women know they can use sex, being a driving force to men, to entice companionship, and to keep their partner around.
Now, this shows the driving force that holds relationships together, but where does manipulation come into play on this. Simply put, it's when dating turns from a sociological ideal to a game. Manipulation mostly comes in two phases of a relationship. The first is during attraction. Women and men go to outrageous lengths to attract the opposite sex. Perfumes, colognes, alcohol, clothes, a myriad of other tools and games, all leading to one specific purpose. For the unclaimed (and occasionally the claimed) to attract the attention of a mate, if only for a night. Women dress as scantily as possible, sometimes wearing clothes out that are practically lingerie, to project themselves as available. They will also dance wildly and act drunker than they may actually be, projecting themselves as more approachable. Some women will even go as far as to make out with a female friend in public place to charge the sexual urges of the men around. Men on the other hand, will dress in high end clothes, wear expensive clothes and accessories, and wear hairstyles that are excessively done up to project richness and the ability to take care of a woman long term, whether true or not. In conversation men in the attraction state also pretend to listen and buy meals and drinks, giving the image of a caring man who is attracted to the woman mind and body, and project the stereotype of the breadwinner. While this is a tired old stereotype that is becoming less and less true, as I mentioned before, it's still deeply etched in the societal collective mind of humans, and still seemingly important in attracting a mate. These series of acts and stories may not accurately reflect the people who are projecting them, but the werewolf effect attracts mates every day, and many one night stands lead into relationships, some that last for years before the boredom sets in and the second form of manipulation starts to set in.
The second form of manipulation is the dangerous part, when the relationship starts. When people manipulate to get into a relationship, it's generally purpose driven, and that comes back to the argument of illiciting attraction or sex, and both genders play dangerous games to get their goals, and continue to hold on to them. Men tend to play yo-yo with attraction. What I mean by this is that a man will give attracted attention to a woman initially, then retract the attention for an indefinite amount of time, even sometimes going as far as mild insult, and in severe cases, the retraction goes as far as abuse. Whatever the degree, the reason is always the same, so that a small display of affection will seem like an earth shattering romantic gesture, and entice them into a sexual mood. Then afterwards will go back to a state of retracted attraction. Women on the other hand, seeking the feeling of attraction, will tend to lead or force their men to prove their attraction in various manners. This varies far in degree. Some women will stand in a mirror and judge themselves vocally in front of their men, waiting for them to disagree and express the attraction. In other cases they will attempt to push the relationship in a further direction. This phenomenon is discussed as the marriage fix in a previous article. Most women will try to initiate sex as a measure of attraction. Finally, a few more self conscious women have been known to move to deadly measures, convincing a man that she can't be with him in hopes that he will harm or kill himself as a grand gesture to show how attracted he is.
Now, there is no real solution to this dangerous game. Awareness is essentially key. Seeing the unhealthy signs and backing out before a person gets hurt or emotionally damaged is the only aid to this. And as simply as the increasing equality of men and women is what slowly led to this war, it can also be the treaty that ends it. If a relationship isn't working, or is damaging, both men and women have options, and can move on and find someone who is truly suited for them, not someone who had to put on an act to get there.
J. Edgar Davis
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