My blog was intended to be a lighthearted look at dating and society, and something for me to have fun with, but it very quickly turned into a very serious criticism on modern society. After writing about being yourself, and sharing my chilling vision about where political rivalry could lead us in the worst case scenario, and adding to my musings on being yourself, I thought that it was time to try to do something fun again. I've been wanting to write this for a while, but a couple of articles took precedence. My disclaimer is that I'm not out to offend anyone by writing this, but I hope that we get a few laughs because we all know someone who fits each one of these description, especially those of us who work around automobiles. When I first wrote this in my head, I was gonna use the word "Asshole" and because of that I am glad it took me so long to get around to it. I toned it down to "jerk" because I don't want anyone to take it too seriously. I'll even be poking fun at myself a little, because I'm just as guilty of being one of these "stereotypes" as any other gearhead who likes pickup trucks. So read on and enjoy, and laugh a little bit as you realize that you, too, know someone like these classifications...and it might even be YOU.
Chevy Guy - Chevy guy very often doesn't do any modifications to his truck, but either secretly or openly longs for a big lift kit or a higher performance engine. Many times Chevy guy has multiple trucks and a few cars for fuel economy, because generally he's a really sensible guy. They usually have a purpose (daily driver, wood hauler, plow truck, long distance truck) and are only used for their intended purposes. Chevy guy can see the strengths of Ford trucks and will own and drive them if he can get a deal, but in general dislikes them. However, he has a strong distaste for Dodge trucks, seeing them as an overpriced status symbol, but cites transmission issues as his reasoning. Chevy guy's daily driver is generally a 3/4 ton or 1 ton pickup with a Duramax, and he will tell you at length how much better the combination of his Duramax and Allison is than anything you'll ever own. As I mentioned, he often has several other trucks..most of them older, most of them he got for under 3 grand. He's generally a salt of the earth guy, working either retail or factory, and generally loves to work.
Chevy Jerk - To Chevy Jerk, there is no make other than Chevrolet, Pontiac, GMC, Buick, Oldsmobile and Cadillac. Hummer is passable to him, as they have GM engines, but he will adamantly deny the involvement of Isuzu, Toyota, and Saab in spite of the fact that EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD knows that all three of those makes are GM interests and Toyota and GM have been sleeping in the same bed since the late 70's. You also can't quite convince him that the Duramax is built by Isuzu in spite of the fact that the Engine ID tag says Isuzu right on it. To Chevy Jerk, your Fox Body Mustang with a supercharged 351 Windsor is no match for his 1998 Chevy Silverado that's bone stock because his truck has a 350. And when you do win by a large amount, it doesn't matter anyway because you have a Ford. If Chevy Jerk is your mechanic, and you bring your Cummins powered Dodge to him complaining of low power, he'll tell you that the problem is that it doesn't say 6.6 Liter Duramax before you can say another word. The problem with this is that Chevy Jerk is generally a career auto mechanic. Chevy Jerk usually has a half ton or 3/4 ton truck that's heavily modified in one way or another, whether creature comfort, engine, or a huge lift kit. His truck got this way because as soon as he gets every paycheck, he takes out the bare minimum that he will need to live, and turns around and pours every cent he has left over into his truck.
Ford Guy - Ford guy has a lot of similarities to Chevy Guy. He's generally a laborer, and loves to work. He also is not opposed to buying a Chevrolet if he can get a deal on it. The thing about Ford guy is that he generally has only one truck. He might have other cars, but just one truck. Because he only has the one truck, though, he tends to overload it and overwork it as much as he can. The frame rails on the back of Ford Guy's truck often spend as much time on the axle stops as they do off of them. Ford guy understand the need for the complexities of the new modular engines, and even the Ecoboost engine, but he still longs for the days of pushrods, big blocks, and an inline 6 engine that the truck body generally fell right apart around, while there is still plenty of engine life left. Ford Guy was curious about the new diesel engines as they came out, including the new 6.7 Ford diesel. He understands the weaknesses of the 6.0 and 6.4, and he didn't tout them until he knew what they would do long term. He will, however, still do anything to get his hands on a 7.3. Typically, Ford Guy drives a late 90's or early 2000's F150 or F250.
Ford Jerk - Ford Jerk usually comes along when Ford Guy comes into a whole pile of money, but he also has some of his own standalone quirks. Ford Jerk is like Chevy Guy in the fact that he generally owns several trucks, and they are mostly purpose driven. But you also have to take into consideration that he has multiple older trucks because his brand new F250 Diesel 4x4 will never be loaded, off-roaded, or see a flake of snow. Depending on the individual Ford Jerk, he will either tune the absolute Hell out of every single truck he gets his hands on, or, more commonly, will tell everyone who will listen how pointless any sort of modification is and how perfectly the Ford Motor Company does absolutely everything. Ford Jerk is usually in management of some sort. He owns Chevrolets, but they are generally never driven on road, or anywhere that someone will see him driving them.
Dodge Guy - To put it bluntly, Dodge Guy is Forum Guy. Dodge Guy has a million reasons why his truck is better than yours, and he read all of them on the internet. The internet told him that some naturally aspirated V6 Rams can do better on fuel economy than Ford's Ecoboost and Chevrolet's 5.3, so he assumes that it means that his Hemi does also. Dodge guy generally has a very professional job, and his truck is often almost stock, with the exception of an exhaust, and is more like a luxury car status symbol. Dodge guy loves hunting and sports that will take him off road, but as soon as his truck is back in the driveway, it's washed and perfectly waxed. Dodge guy usually has the newest Ram 1500 that his budget will allow him
Dodge Jerk - When it comes to Dodge Jerk, I have one person in mind. Dodge Jerk has a Cummins, and he's been pouring every penny he has into it since he bought it. Dodge Jerk believes that the only way to make a statement is to pour as much black smoke as he can everywhere he can. The guy I'm thinking of went as far as to put his dual tail pipes right around his hitch pointed down and straight back so that he can brake check and pepper every car that gets behind him with smoke. Between his oversized injectors and his Banks Power Pack, it's a wonder he isn't melting a set of pistons every month. Dodge Jerk wants to be a performance mechanic, and when people try to tell him that they know more than he does, and prove it, he runs off and sulks, usually leaving a trail of black smoke behind him, so you can just imagine what happened when he went to diesel school.
And that's what we have for the first round of Pickup truck wars. There is a completely different set of subcultures that I can go into on a later article. But for now, as you have read these, your mind is formulating who it is that you know who fits these characteristics. I bet each and every person who reads this will be able to think of people who fit at least two of these categories, and some may even be scratching their heads thinking, "Oh crap, that's me". Please do note, these six categories do not encompass ALL pickup truck owners. These are just traits that I've seen that are noteworthy, and generally have a group of people associated with them. Chevy Guy isn't all Chevy guys, he's just THAT Chevy guy, and so on down the line. In a few months, when I revisit this topic, we'll look at racers, off road guys, lowriders, and posh truck guys.
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