For Genevieve ~ My inspiration to make the most out of my life no matter what
Who's ever had a crush?? We all have. Who's ever had a role model?? I would hope that at least 99% of us have had one of those, too. Have you ever noticed how similar the two roles seem to be?? I saw it predominately in a celebrity crush of recent moments, and seeing that made me look back on a lot of my crushes from the past and I really started to notice a pattern. I will discuss the pattern and what I've seen, both in myself, and some people around me who I know have crushes on other people around me, along with why my most recent is so admirable, but before I do that, there are some definitions and discussions I need to get out of the way.
The first thing that there is to discuss is what a crush is and where it differs from an attraction. More specifically, a sexual attraction. The first thing I want to say about the topic is that CRUSHES ARE HARMLESS....that is, as long as you don't act on them if your crush is not available to you. Of two that come to mind who presently hold the title of my crush, one is both married and a sort of celebrity, and one is in the forbidden demographics I discussed waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the beginning of my blog. A Sunnyside bartender, in fact. I speak of both of them to make my point, but I would never ever dream of making a move on either, other than to thank them for the inspiration to make my own life better. What these women have that a woman who simply is a sexual desire does not have can be subtle. I see a crush as a person of the gender which you prefer who bears a trait that you desire in yourself, where a sexual attraction is based on just that....to put it even more primitively, traits that you would desire to see in your offspring. Crushes most often have traits of sexual desire, in fact most commonly do, but that person you simply lust after rarely has the traits of a crush. Often times, when you have a simple case of lust, you rarely know enough about the object of desire to see any traits that you would desire in yourself. And lust is rarely harmless. It is considered to be a deadly sin by the Christian community, and, if used in the wrong situations, drives apart trusts and relationships and marriages. I've definitely lusted after enough women and had enough crushes in my 17 years of sexual maturity to tell the difference.
As I discussed before, crushes have traits that we do desire to see in ourselves, and that's why we consciously and subconsciously seek out the bearers of these traits. Traits that seem to be apparent in my crushes and the crushes I've seen around me are fairly obvious. Success, freedom, financial stability, and physical fitness seem to be the most obvious and common, although I honestly feel as though the last one does border on lust and desire, given the dynamics of today's societal expectations that I discussed in "Projection versus type". One of the other big ones I've seen is attitude, and this is overwhelmingly more common when the feelings are going from a woman to a man. On the whole, women of the American society tend to be more socially driven to acceptance, and I've noticed on more than one occasion that when a man comes into their lives; or even just into a room; and he does whatever makes him happy and feel good and doesn't care what society thinks of it, the women just go nuts. To be fair, I have seen this go the other way, also, but less commonly. Even on a more practical level, I've seen crushes form on a person's ability to cook, fix a car, play music or sing (I think we all know how common that one is), gamble successfully or otherwise play games of chance, living on one's own rather than with parents (that's a big one recently with our economy), and on one occasion even on a man's ability to hold his liquor. All these were traits that the crusher did not possess his or herself, and on a lot of them, I myself was the crushee.
With all of these traits given out, there is one last note on differentiating between crush and lust, and that is the danger in mixing the two. Often, recently, I've been the victim of this practice, and I have fallen guilty once or twice myself. I try really hard not to do this when I know that I do not reciprocate the same feelings, but I am only a man and sometimes temptation does get the better of me. I try not to, because I know how much it hurts to be used when the object of your feelings doesn't reciprocate the same feelings, but uses your feelings to build herself up. This is one of the hardest pains to deal with, emotionally. I simply want to say, that if you don't feel the same way as a person who's crushing on you, let the other be.
Now, onto some of my crushes. Other than the woman who I dedicated this to, who I most likely will never ever meet face to face, no names will be given, obviously. My forbidden crush, here at my local bar....she got me to open up to her like I have never been able to before within minutes of meeting her for the first time. That is definitely something I wish I could do for myself. My first real, strong crush when I was in high school. The first time I talked to her was her congratulating me for standing up for my beliefs against every single person in our school all at once. Having been a bullied child, I got a very strong sense of empowerment from that event, and she had brown hair and blue eyes...I was hooked. Unfortunately I took the advice of her "friend" and continually asked her out even though I know now that I shouldn't have, and I ruined everything. I know now, 14 years later, that the second time her so-called friend told me to pursue her, I should have told her to go to hell. But, alas, that kept up for 3 years...some friend. Let's see, who else...Back when I lived in the Boston Metro Area, there was this girl I worked with at the Stop and Shop. She was a very free spirit, and could keep a smile for everyone, no matter what. This is a trait I did eventually learn, but it took me years more, and back then all I could do was wish I had it. And finally, the important one. Important because this still inspires me. Genevieve, the runner up from King of the Nerds who accepted second place much more graciously than I think I could have, if I had worked that hard for the entire season. I watched her overcome all odds. Every Nerd-off was stacked against her, and she prevailed every time. I'll admit, that it started as a desire, but I was soon reminded of how the odds of my life have been stacked against me for the last 6 years, and how I have managed to come this far without running back home to my parents. At the end of that competition, I was on the verge of giving up myself. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel anywhere. A continuing fan-dom, led me to see how strong and positive this woman really is, and I saw, and recognized the trait that I wanted to see in myself. That was the push forward that I needed to force my life in the direction I wanted it, not to let it force me where it wanted me. That was when this young lady migrated from being a crush, to a role model. The deck is still stacked against me right now, but every chance I have to prep for something to come, I prep. Every day I push forward, even when I know I'm facing life's Kobayashi Maru, I don't believe in it, sometimes going as far as to "reprogram" the odds to my favor. Life has been my Nerd-Off the last few years. I have a goal (a restaurant of my own) in my sights, and a plan to get there from here. But I also know, that if that plan is impossible to work, I'll just be able to improvise to get there anyway. I learned from the best that even if you think you can't win something, just go ahead and win it anyway.
With that I leave you with this. Find those crushes, even if you can't be with them, use their lives to inspire your own to have those traits that you wish you could have. If you can't be with your crush, it's not in vain, because they can still be a role model.
J. Edgar
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